The promotion list just came out yesterday and I was really really looking forward to being promoted. I think I have been handling multiple portfolio and been getting along with everyone very well and even the bosses. I just don’t understand why I was passed for promotion to a senior role. Perhaps I am just not good enough in their eyes? Or I am not doing enough in their eyes?
I was really expecting to get the snr mgr post, looking at how easy it is for the other loud mouthed department to get promoted. The more I think about it, the more frustrated and angrier I get. I woke up today, didn’t really have a good mood actually. It just spoils my day thinking about it. And had to wake up in the morning to cook, like what the heck. I guess that’s fine since he is eating anyway and I am eating also, but things just went downhill from there.
The rice was moldy. And my instant noodles I didn’t put the seasoning and I was wondering why it tasted like flour. The thing is I took it out of the packet and wanted to put it in, but I don’t know why I didn’t. I was distracted, by the draining of the noodles? I decided to cheer myself up by going to get a new ball. It was a hard decision. I thought it will go well but actually it didn’t go so well. THe ball hooked but I was all over the place. And I was grabbing the old ball. I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me. I just don’t have anyone to talk to except for this blog.
And now I am sitting here. Looking at the email, I just decided to check how much non-cumulative payout I was going to get. Perhaps at least 1k? But no. It is just a measly 600 bucks. Like what the fuck? Are you fucking kidding me? 600 bucks? Is that an insult or an indication to chase me away? Is my performance really that bad to warrant that kind of ikan bilis amount?
The rest of the department is on average a 3.3% and I am less then 2%? What ? because of my title? The title means shit because the rest is getting much more and they are lower ranked. what the fuck man! So after all that talk about the biggest budget and the non-cumulative payout and the annual increment and the performance market gap shit, it boils down to 600 bucks. I don’t know if I want to cry or laugh. It is as if the day cannot get any worse.
I know. It is all a perspective issue. It is all a mindset issue. But I seriously cannot help but wonder, am I really that bad? Am I really that worthless in their eyes?
So working backwards right, 600 bucks include the annual increment and the one time payment so assuming 300 bucks is the one time payment. My actual AI is like what ? 200 bucks? Seriously again? Working my ass off and I am being fed scraps from the table, while others dine in style?
I feel like this is all a big huge nightmare and I am living in it. I just can’t wake up from it. Pay is low and the increment is shit while others are getting much higher. BC is getting at least 1k. I mean 1k is bare minimum man. Is the AI even ahead of inflation?? Maybe the universe is talking to me. I didn’t listen to it earlier and now it is slapping me right smack in the face. It is telling me right in the face that there, you deserve every single scrap you get you flithy dog. So what are you going to do about it?
It is true. I deserve every little scrap from the table I get. As pathetic as it may sound. I deserve it. WHy? Because of all the opportunities in front and I am not seizing it. And I am spending so much time to work for this stupid place that I neglect my own dreams and my own direction. Spending my life working for this stupid place and they don’t even give a shit about it. About me.
Then why the hell am I still working so hard?
I was going through some youtube videos just now, explaining about throwing the letter and moving on. In fact, it is common for IT folks to move every 3 years. There are already a few head hunters who have approached me. For a senior manager post though. I am confident that once I go for the interview I will get it. But yet, if I think about it, if they pay me shit here, I will just adjust my priorities accordingly then. They pay me this amount with this shit increment or whatever one time sum of coins, I will give them back whatever they deserve then. So buy my time only half of the day and the other half I am going to work on my dreams.
I am going to calm down and I am going to chart my course again. What are the things I want to learn. What are the things I want to write. What are the things I want to get certified in. Keep Building, Keep Hustling That is the only way out of this.
Be So good that they cannot ignore you
I just feel that behind the scenes, they are secretly mocking me. Thinking I am an idiot and feeding me shit and expect me to eat it too. It’s fine. I will. But behind I am sharpening my tools. Sharpening my mind. One fine day, I will just throw the letter. Yes, they can probably get a replacement, but it will not be easy because my work is all over the place. Every little piece of infra, of tools, of applications has my fingerprints on them. Good luck piecing it together.
What are you going to do about it?
Regroup and re-strategize That is the way out of this. Calm down and regroup and repriortize and re-strategize. I know how to create. I know how to sell. It just needs time and effort for a start. I can do this. I need to do this. I need to hustle and get additional sources of income that will overtake this scraps feeding job that I have where I am unappreciated and mocked.
Unappreciated and Mocked Strong words. I think maybe that is the root of my frustration. Adding to that is the expectation and the anticipation. All came crashing down. Like a stack of cards. But you know, I should have known better. Never ever depend on anyone but yourself. Only you control you. You are responsible for yourself. No one else is responsible for you. Definitely not this company. They are not responsible for your growth. You are responsible for your own growth and your own learning and your own earnings.
Remember - the company is making use of you as much as you are making use of them. They do not give a rat’s ass about your wellbeing. Once you are spent, you are gotten rid of. So while you are still there, try to maximize your time in learning as much as you can, doing as much as you can, this is for yourself. It’s just unlimited budget. You can spend it. It’s not your money anyway. Spend it and learn whatever there is.
Time to also brush up on my resume and get linked in to the contacts that matter. 2022 is ending. But there are still some months away from the end. Let’s do this!
How am I feeling now?
I feel energized. I am feeling full of vigor and mirth. I know exactly what I want to do.
First up, I am going to gather all the course I have purchases. The high valued ones. And I am going to work through them. Putting the credentials on easy access so I can work on them easily. Second, I am going put my wish list and where I want to go. Third, I believe that Dan’s course will put me where I want to go. The content creator that is able to sell profitably. And I am going work on it.
All these also will be done during the work day because as above, they don’t give a rat’s ass about my ability and with the shitty pay, I think I rather go work on myself.
This Sunday is going to be the warehouse arrangement day. I think I am not going to bowling after that. I think I am going to just pack up my table and work on things.
I have work to do.